forget

every day when you come home from work, i get so excited to see your smile when you see me. every...

Fri, 30 Mar 2012 20:26:08 -0500

every day when you come home from work, i get so excited to see your smile when you see me. every day apart, i look forward to that first five minuets spent together. reacquainting ourselves with one another as if we haven’t seen each other in months. i feel the most alive at that moment in time, every. single. day. it never gets old. my day can be terrible, work can suck for each of us, and the second our eyes meet… it all melts away.

i can just tell that you’re the one.

for the most part

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 13:28:36 -0500

i’m lost, as usual. i force others to believe i have the world figured out, that i have myself all put together. it’s believable, trust me, i usually believe it too… but there are times where i forget who i truly am. when you contacted me.. my mind went blank. i couldn’t remember anymore - who i was, how far i’ve came. it’s not easy to look into the past, when for so long you’ve only focused on the next step. my eyes have been fixated on a brighter future, i haven’t taken the time to peak back at my gloomy past. i’ve blocked out a majority of those years because i didn’t want to think about it any longer. my mind was exhausted from constantly wondering why, what if, how… so i forgot, and moved on. it’s been such a long time since i’ve held a real conversation with you, since you’ve shown me yourself… raw, real emotions exposed. i’m sure it wasn’t an easy task for you, but thank you. thank you for showing me you’re sorry for the horrible things you made me feel for so long, thank you for showing me that you aren’t as heartless and cold as i believed you were. thank you for being honest, and talking to me about your feelings. it’s good to hear you finally understand how i felt for so long, even though it had to happen in such a way that you had to get hurt and feel that pain. although you don’t believe that you can pull yourself together and feel alive on your own, i assure you over and over again that you can. being alone turns into such a positive experience once you realize who you are and what you want. seven years in relationship, after relationship, had to get old… who are you? no one knows, not even yourself. this time to yourself, this emptiness, this will help you immensely when it comes to growing as a person. you have nothing to offer anyone right now, you haven’t for a long time. you’ve been worn down, and wore out for too long. at this point you should feel relieved that you have been freed from the cycle. eventually you will realize that the things i say to you aren’t to spite you, aren’t to make you feel bad, but to truly help you and to show that i relate to you on so many levels. it’s shocking to everyone, even myself, that i am capable of holding a conversation with you without wanting to strangle you. that i am willing to talk to you and offer advice to you about the girl you dumped me for. that i haven’t said a single horrible thing to you. that i haven’t expressed any amount of pain to you. the things you did to me, they sucked a lot, but they’ve made me who i am today. they’ve turned me into a forgiving, loving, mature human being. capable of accepting what happened in the past. capable of moving on and being real with you.. being real with anyone. we were both so young when we fell in love, we weren’t fully developed. we didn’t know what we wanted. our brains are still growing and changing constantly, in a few years when we find each other again, who knows what we will be thinking or feeling. experiences change us constantly. everyone tells me that i should be upset about you talking to me, and at first i was very confused. but why should i be upset about something that has helped me grow even further? instead i just want to thank you because now i can remember. i have solely you to blame for the person i am today. i’m here for you, forever.

It makes me sad that you’re sad. I should hate you, but instead I pity you. I wish there was...

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 09:38:15 -0500

It makes me sad that you’re sad. I should hate you, but instead I pity you. I wish there was something I could do.

I hate my life.

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 00:16:34 -0600

I hate my life.

Photo

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 23:53:48 -0600

I only wish he'd understand the person I am.

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 01:50:37 -0600

Im a giving women. I could care less about material objects. I could care less about money. The only thing in the world I want is for the people I love and care about to share the happiness I feel when I take care of them. The happiness I feel when we share time, laughs and love. And for him, there is no amount of money I wouldn’t spend. No depths I wouldn’t go trough to show him the light. Yet he again and again worries that what I say isn’t really what I mean. That I will tire of him. That he will lose me because I will get tired of trying to fix him. I’ve fallen harder than ever. I know he has too. I understand the fear about living together, its a huge step in a relationship, but nothing will change between us. We are truly meant to be together. I wouldn’t want things any other way.

Why can’t he just understand. Accept it.

Photo

Sun, 22 Jan 2012 00:00:34 -0600

i'm falling apart

Mon, 19 Dec 2011 00:42:28 -0600

i'm falling apart

This is always where I seem to go to hide from my feelings. To get out how I feel, to someone…...

Sun, 18 Dec 2011 20:57:21 -0600

This is always where I seem to go to hide from my feelings. To get out how I feel, to someone… or no one… or maybe myself. I am tired of hiding. I am tired of being anxious. I am tired of worrying. If what I am doing at any given time doesn’t involve sleeping, working, or being with my 3 closest friends.. my mind goes insane. Even being alone in my boyfriends apartment, where I spend almost every day at, listening to the clock in the other room tick its annoying tick. Enough to set me over the edge. When he’s here I never notice this sound. I never notice the things I worry about, the things I my mind fixates on. I don’t know if there is anything I can do. Im afraid of medicine. I get anxious when I go to the doctors office. Talking to my friends about it is almost impossible because there is nothing I or they can say to change it. My mom thinks I just need to be healthier. But I find comfort in drinking and smoking and eating shit. Its disabled me from being able to keep this job I was dying to have but only worked for three days. Its disabled me from going back to college. Its kept me away from many events I’ve wanted to go to, but was too afraid to go alone. Its slowing creeped in and made itself more and more present in my life. I know that im not scared to be alone though, I don’t understand…

For once in my life I thought things would work out.

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 23:40:45 -0600

For once in my life I thought things would work out.

I want a different life.

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 22:46:32 -0600

I want a different life.

Im the happiest when im in his arms.

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 17:09:45 -0600

Im the happiest when im in his arms.

traditionaltattoo #tattoo

Sun, 13 Nov 2011 00:28:09 -0600

traditionaltattoo #tattoo

Just a couple more hours.

Sat, 12 Nov 2011 11:57:47 -0600

Just a couple more hours.

crazy thoughts for a crazy girl.

Wed, 09 Nov 2011 00:26:00 -0600

it’s crazy to think that we were ever in love. crazy to realize now, after a year, that it feels as if i never even met you. it’s as if i never spent a day of my life with you. as if i never looked into your eyes and truly felt your emotions and mine. as if i never helped you in any way, and you me. as if we never went through the insane bullshit we went through together. as if three years of my life have been erased, not completely, but enough so that even your face has become a blur to me. the person you are now, is not the person you were then. at least that’s what i always tell myself, it’s not like i would know considering we never speak. not even in passing. if we were to be in the same room together, alone, we still probably would find a way to not even acknowledge each others existence. to me that’s crazy. we felt such raw and real feelings, shared everything with each other for three years. we were the best of friends. true lovers. everything seemed so stable, built on concrete. in reality, we were just a shitty house of straw, constantly waiting for the last one to fall apart and end it all. i was the only one who was fooled into believing this fairy tale. we both pushed and pulled and butted heads so much, it was a disaster from the start of it all. we’ve both been dating others. you for a year, me for half. i’ve fallen in, what i believe is, true compassionate love. i wouldn’t trade it for the world. i wouldn’t give up a single second of the time him and i spend together, especially not for any length of time with you. however, why do i still find myself perplexed by our lack of friendship, lack of knowledge of each other. i don’t remember what it felt like to hold your hand, or kiss your lips. all i have left are fragments of left over memories. few good, most bad. i promised to never forget what we had, i promised to never forget the love we felt for each other. but reality is, you’re still a fucking dog, and nothing i did truly changed that. you just used my kind hearted love to help improve your game. truth is, i’m glad you did the things you did to me. i’m glad you hurt me. i’m glad you fucked me over. i’m glad you moved on days after we fell apart. i’m glad you covered your half of our matching tattoos. i’m glad you got your girlfriends name tattooed to you. i’m glad you don’t bother trying to speak to me anymore. you were a waste of time, emotion, thought, money, but you taught me to stay on my toes. what truly bothers me is to think that “what if” things don’t work out where i’m at in my life right now? what happens “if” the boy i’ve fallen head over heals for during the past six months turns out to be just like you? do i just block out another segment of my life and move on? how long can i keep this up… he’s a keeper, i know he is… you’ve fucking screwed my head up so much i don’t even know whats true anymore.

All I want in this world is a day where only you and I exist. 24 hours spent getting lost in each...

Wed, 02 Nov 2011 23:48:11 -0500

All I want in this world is a day where only you and I exist. 24 hours spent getting lost in each others eyes.

Im adorable

Sat, 29 Oct 2011 15:06:16 -0500

Im adorable

you.

Tue, 18 Oct 2011 22:40:00 -0500

i fell asleep next to you as i always do. our bodies lazily laying intertwined. when it came time to fall asleep, we kissed and separated. the storm outside made everything so peaceful. hearing the rain hit the ground and the cars outside of your apartment was so relaxing. you slipped your hand between my face and the pillow, not a single other part of our bodies touching at this point. with the warmth radiating from your palm to my face i could feel myself drifting off into another world. i could feel your pulse through your hand, our hearts rhythmically racing. i could feel your discomfort as your hand began to fall asleep. it was almost as if you were waiting for the right time to make yourself comfortable. i quietly whispered “you make me happy” and then fell asleep, the rain still coming down outside your window, the cool breeze still bellowing in. everything just felt so right, however - it was just another night.

happiness

Thu, 15 Sep 2011 08:31:39 -0500

The way the sunlight shines through your eyelashes and into your green eyes makes me love waking up next to you everyday. Its almost enough light to see your soul, that of which is strong, and loving, and caring, yet broken and afraid to show itself. I’ll see it one of these beautiful mornings - when the sunlight hits just right, im sure of this. And when that day comes, I know the time will be perfect to tell you how I feel. To say those three words I often stumble over every time I look into your eyes…

none of you can save me.

Fri, 12 Aug 2011 14:58:08 -0500

i have this over whelming dark cloud hanging over my head, impending doom upon myself and those around me. i wish to leave this place. abandon everything and everyone who has grown to love me, and whom i have grown to love. it sickens me to think that i can easily move on, forget all of your faces, and start a new life at any given moment. to pack my bags and leave would be a life saver. but i’ve chosen to stay. for what? i have no idea. it’s certainly not for myself. for happiness… no. i’ve found myself growing fond of particular people, perhaps i’ve fallen in love. or something close to it, i don’t know. i don’t know anything anymore. most days i’m in the clouds, happiness is all around me, but then when i find myself crashing, spiraling down to reality, the darkness hangs heavy.

it’s nothing unusual, i’m sure of it.