sometimes wanting nothing is better than wanting those who destroy you.

every day when you come home from work, i get so excited to see your smile when you see me. every day apart, i look forward to that first five minuets spent together. reacquainting ourselves with one another as if we haven’t seen each other in months. i feel the most alive at that moment in time, every. single. day. it never gets old. my day can be terrible, work can suck for each of us, and the second our eyes meet… it all melts away.

i can just tell that you’re the one.

i’m lost, as usual. i force others to believe i have the world figured out, that i have myself all put together. it’s believable, trust me, i usually believe it too… but there are times where i forget who i truly am. when you contacted me.. my mind went blank. i couldn’t remember anymore - who i was, how far i’ve came. it’s not easy to look into the past, when for so long you’ve only focused on the next step. my eyes have been fixated on a brighter future, i haven’t taken the time to peak back at my gloomy past. i’ve blocked out a majority of those years because i didn’t want to think about it any longer. my mind was exhausted from constantly wondering why, what if, how… so i forgot, and moved on. it’s been such a long time since i’ve held a real conversation with you, since you’ve shown me yourself… raw, real emotions exposed. i’m sure it wasn’t an easy task for you, but thank you. thank you for showing me you’re sorry for the horrible things you made me feel for so long, thank you for showing me that you aren’t as heartless and cold as i believed you were. thank you for being honest, and talking to me about your feelings. it’s good to hear you finally understand how i felt for so long, even though it had to happen in such a way that you had to get hurt and feel that pain. although you don’t believe that you can pull yourself together and feel alive on your own, i assure you over and over again that you can. being alone turns into such a positive experience once you realize who you are and what you want. seven years in relationship, after relationship, had to get old… who are you? no one knows, not even yourself. this time to yourself, this emptiness, this will help you immensely when it comes to growing as a person. you have nothing to offer anyone right now, you haven’t for a long time. you’ve been worn down, and wore out for too long. at this point you should feel relieved that you have been freed from the cycle. eventually you will realize that the things i say to you aren’t to spite you, aren’t to make you feel bad, but to truly help you and to show that i relate to you on so many levels. it’s shocking to everyone, even myself, that i am capable of holding a conversation with you without wanting to strangle you. that i am willing to talk to you and offer advice to you about the girl you dumped me for. that i haven’t said a single horrible thing to you. that i haven’t expressed any amount of pain to you. the things you did to me, they sucked a lot, but they’ve made me who i am today. they’ve turned me into a forgiving, loving, mature human being. capable of accepting what happened in the past. capable of moving on and being real with you.. being real with anyone. we were both so young when we fell in love, we weren’t fully developed. we didn’t know what we wanted. our brains are still growing and changing constantly, in a few years when we find each other again, who knows what we will be thinking or feeling. experiences change us constantly. everyone tells me that i should be upset about you talking to me, and at first i was very confused. but why should i be upset about something that has helped me grow even further? instead i just want to thank you because now i can remember. i have solely you to blame for the person i am today. i’m here for you, forever.

It makes me sad that you’re sad. I should hate you, but instead I pity you. I wish there was something I could do.

I hate my life.

Im a giving women. I could care less about material objects. I could care less about money. The only thing in the world I want is for the people I love and care about to share the happiness I feel when I take care of them. The happiness I feel when we share time, laughs and love. And for him, there is no amount of money I wouldn’t spend. No depths I wouldn’t go trough to show him the light. Yet he again and again worries that what I say isn’t really what I mean. That I will tire of him. That he will lose me because I will get tired of trying to fix him. I’ve fallen harder than ever. I know he has too. I understand the fear about living together, its a huge step in a relationship, but nothing will change between us. We are truly meant to be together. I wouldn’t want things any other way.

Why can’t he just understand. Accept it.

This is always where I seem to go to hide from my feelings. To get out how I feel, to someone… or no one… or maybe myself. I am tired of hiding. I am tired of being anxious. I am tired of worrying. If what I am doing at any given time doesn’t involve sleeping, working, or being with my 3 closest friends.. my mind goes insane. Even being alone in my boyfriends apartment, where I spend almost every day at, listening to the clock in the other room tick its annoying tick. Enough to set me over the edge. When he’s here I never notice this sound. I never notice the things I worry about, the things I my mind fixates on. I don’t know if there is anything I can do. Im afraid of medicine. I get anxious when I go to the doctors office. Talking to my friends about it is almost impossible because there is nothing I or they can say to change it. My mom thinks I just need to be healthier. But I find comfort in drinking and smoking and eating shit. Its disabled me from being able to keep this job I was dying to have but only worked for three days. Its disabled me from going back to college. Its kept me away from many events I’ve wanted to go to, but was too afraid to go alone. Its slowing creeped in and made itself more and more present in my life. I know that im not scared to be alone though, I don’t understand…

For once in my life I thought things would work out.

I want a different life.

Im the happiest when im in his arms.